Things I wish I knew in my 20s - codependent relationship version

1. Doing everything for someone else actually does more harm than good. Not only does it strip them of their own power and growth- it creates an imbalanced dynamic. If they are allowing you to do everything for them, it’s a red flag. Healed, emotionally available people won't allow a relationship to be one sided. There should be an equal level of giving and receiving.

2. Don’t trust someone else to have your best interest at heart. The big decisions? Make them yourself & be intentional about it. Look at future trajectories and the outcomes of each path. Decide for yourself- don’t put that kind of power in someone else's hands. Just because YOU think about the impact you have on others' futures, doesn’t mean that they are considerate of yours. Some people are really just selfish. They only care about benefiting from you, not giving back mutual care and safety. Your life is your responsibility, period.

3. The type of treatment that you allow will continue. Having standards doesn’t mean you beg and plead and demand to be treated differently, while giving 10000 chances and staying anyway. Having standards means that you allow someone to act entirely of their own accord and then YOU DECIDE if that’s the way you want to be treated. If they continue to treat you in ways that aren't up to the standard that you want for yourself- you leave. You either end the relationship completely or withdraw your attention from them and put it back on your own growth & future. If they aren’t treating you well at 6 months or 1 year, they sure as hell aren't going to get their act together at year 5.

4. Innocent until proven guilty is for the legal system, not your relationships. Friends, romance, colleagues, doesn’t matter. Trust should be earned, not freely given. People should start off as neutral. Decide how trustworthy they are over time from their actions- not their words.

5. A healthy partner will never guilt or manipulate you into having sex with them. They wouldn't continue on, knowing you don’t want to. They wouldn’t threaten to go sleep with someone else if you say no. They wouldn't want you to do anything that you aren't comfortable with.

6. Addicts lie. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with their own shame. Don’t let them guilt you out of your boundaries. It doesn’t matter how emotional they get- don’t cave. You can love someone so much and still set boundaries.

7. When an addict is ready to quit, they will. If they aren't.... there is literally nothing you can do to make them. Stop micro-managing them. You’re being a control freak and draining your own energy. Chances are, you look as crazy as you feel. That’s no way to live your life. Let them learn and face the consequences of their own actions. Don’t lie for them. Look into alanon groups (its like AA but for family members of addicts). Stop taking it personally. If you decide to stay in the relationship, accept that it's probably going to stay exactly as it is. They aren’t going to wake up one day and start appreciating everything you do for them. Yes, there are cases of addicts healing, staying sober & learning emotional intelligence. These are the exception, not the rule. Even if they stop using their DOC- they have a long road of healing ahead of them before they can actually be in a healthy relationship.

8. Potential isn’t real. The potential that you see in them is actually just a reflection of what YOU would do in their situation. If they aren’t already on the path of living up to their potential, don’t assume they are ever going to.

9. The relationship with yourself is the absolute foundation of your entire life. Put yourself first. When people say you can’t pour from an empty cup- they mean it. You can do SO much more good in the world when you're taken care of.

10. Realize you are toxic, too. You have just as many dysfunctional patterns that are contributing to the chaos of the relationship. Its not all their fault. Holding in anger, not speaking your mind, needing constant reassurance, wanting their entire life to revolve around you, being passive aggressive, doing things you don’t want to, putting your entire emotional state on someone else- all of these things create a miserable person. Be ruthless in your mission to heal yourself. Check your own intentions and ego every single day.

11. The only person that's coming to save you, is the version of yourself that’s tired of feeling like shit.